I really love this photo. Tonight was lovely. It made me feel a happiness I haven’t felt in a long time. I wish I could feel it all over again.
I’ve just been exhausted lately. Ever since I missed a bunch of days from that one week, I’ve just been behind. I just haven’t been able to keep up. So much waking up earlier than usual, staying up later than usual, staying after school most of the week. It’s tiring. I shouldn’t be one to complain though. Many people have it much worse. I feel like I’m back to that mentality of stay up late, wake up late, sleep immediately when I get home. Wake up late-ish to do work, sleep late, wake up late, etc. It’s unhealthy. It probably just makes me more tired. Time is never really on my side. It never was.
I’m utterly cold, and a certain Zachary would be great to have beside me right now. I just want him around me all the time. Or I want to be around him all the time rather. It’s really a selfishness I don’t feel often with people. He was being unbelievably sweet and kind today, as per usual, and it’s very hard to resist.
I need Spring Break to come much faster. I was hoping to go to Florida for Spring Break, but my sister’s Spring Break is next week meaning having a road trip as a family is impossible.
I want to go to the beach. It feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve been to the beach. I’d even argue that the last time I went to the beach was last Spring Break. I don’t really remember which is normal of me.
I feel like something is going to happen soon. I don’t know what, but I feel like it’s going to be good. I know that statement is very vague, but it’s just a feeling. Could be wrong.
I hope whoever you are, you’re doing well. Best wishes.
It’s 12:14 AM, and I’m working on my Ballard paper still. The process of editing and tweaking is just overly stressful. It’ll be worth it though. It’s been a long time coming.
Hopefully things will slow down this week and hopefully I can keep up.
Yesterday/today makes a month with this cutie. He’s pretty spectacular. Sweet dreams.
I’m listening to Yuna’s self-titled album right now. It’s been a while. For almost a month after school began, I listened to it constantly. On the morning bus ride, lunch, afternoon bus ride, while I did homework, right before I fell asleep, while I was sleeping. I would just listen to this.
Songs make me feel what I felt during the time I first listened to it. That’s why I always have to change what I listen to. Songs carry memories for me. Feelings. And listening to these songs make me feel and remember. Regardless if the memory is happy or sad, it’s disheartening. It just reminds me of what was and what might never be.
That’s why I’m always searching for a new song. It reflects the present. And I like the present. It is neither definite nor unsure. It just is. And being, in the present tense, is safe.
He’s so special. It’s not when he’s wide awake talking to his friends or when it’s early in the morning and he’s singing the one song from Frozen that he knows or when he’s at my house “watching movies”. It’s when it’s almost midnight and he’s extremely tired and his eyelids become heavy and the words seem to diminish that I adore him most. He’ll read this and probably mock me for how sappy it is, but it is true. Chapter 2. Maybe even better than Chapter 1.
Good night, Zachary. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
I’m listening to Muse and Snarky Puppy right now. It reminds me of Miller. He’s my go to for weird alternative rock, weird jazz bands, or weird rap music. They’re actually all great. He has great music taste.
I felt so much better today. There wasn’t as much pain as there has been. Early this morning Khayla told me she was going to come over, and I just got overly happy. Probably too happy. But who cares? I love her. Then Zach told me he was probably going to come with Khayla to see me. I really wasn’t excited about that. (Just kidding.) I was wearing pajamas. And they were dressed up really nicely because of Solo & Ensemble. I felt underdressed.
I don’t hang out with Khayla as much anymore, you know? But we’re so close and I think we have this understanding. She’s with Elijah, and I understand that. I hope they’re okay. I know they’re going to be okay, but I hope it’s soon. I never like seeing Khayla in this “I don’t care” zone. She doesn’t care because she does care. And I know she’s very strong and independent and could probably live on her own in a desert without any communication with the outside world, but I think it’s okay to care sometimes. I wish I was there when Elijah was with SAJE. I just hope everything is okay.
Zach looks nice when he dresses formally. Not saying that he doesn’t look nice all the time. Just saying it’s nice. That was weird. Sorry. I didn’t actually think he was going to come over today. But he did, and I always adore his company. But today especially. I wish he didn’t leave. I just wanted to fall asleep beside him. I hope I get a record player soon. I want to listen to the Beatles record with him. He’s so weird. Like, who makes hissing noises at people? No one. Except Zach.
I can see myself healing, and it’s a relief. I’m ready to be back in school despite all of the work I have to make up. I’m ready to play my instrument and learn about the 1920s and conduct (maybe that might take a little longer because standing) and do math stuff and aaaaaah I cannot wait.
I hope your day was as wonderful as mine. I have quite a bit to do tomorrow, and I have yet to see Dreamgirls. It’s nice to know people care. I hope they know I care about them as well.
Good night. Take it easy.
I’ve been agonizing in pain all day, and I don’t know how I’m going to manage to get my rough draft finished. It’s so uncomfortable to move, to get materials, to have my laptop on my stomach, to type. I know she wouldn’t give me an extension. Not even until Monday. And I’ve been letting a lot of people down who are counting on me because of this. I can’t rehearse with my accompanist. I can’t do Solo & Ensemble. I can’t prepare for Science Olympiad with Shylah. I can’t see Dreamgirls. I can’t I can’t I can’t.
I wish I was fine. I wish my mother would just let me cry because of the pain instead of yelling at me. I wish they wouldn’t leave me home alone tomorrow. I wish someone would stay by my side to keep me company. I wish they would help me when I called for them. I wish they would listen. That they would come running for me when I called their name.
I wish I could stop crying. After a while I just stopped calling.
I’m really proud of this, so I’m just going to leave this here.
My temperature is at 105.
I blacked out 3 times today.
I really need to go to the doctor’s.
I wish everything didn’t hurt.
I feel like I let a lot of people down today.
I changed my desktop picture to the Beatles.
I should get some rest.
Totally hate everyone at the Young the Giant concert right now.
Totally didn’t write my sentence patterns on LOTR.
Just kidding, totally did.
Totally going to read right now.